Back in the day, I sat in the front of the plane. How? By traveling often. By sticking to a couple airlines (no discounters like JetBlue and Virgin America to distract me back then). And by knowing people with influence.
Times change. Last week I flew from SFO to JFK on Delta. The 100% capacity flight was a 757 – the most hateful aircraft ever built – and I was in seat 41B. That's a middle seat, in a one-aisle plane. Not fun. But I scored big in the on-line trivia competition, and I had two good books to read.
When I returned, I flipped through the latest New Yorker, and came upon a short piece called "The Privileged Few." In 5 brief paragraphs, it summarizes what getting upgraded looks like today. Enjoy the hilarity below...
The Privileged Few, by George Meyer, New Yorker writer
Good afternoon. This is your pre-boarding
announcement for Flight 505 to Milwaukee. All first-class and
business-class passengers, passengers needing special assistance, and
families traveling with small children may now board the aircraft.
We also invite any Platinum Club, ProTravel Select, Apogee Plus, and Sigma Alliance cardholders to board at this time.
Thank
you for waiting. We now welcome members of Skyline Advantage, Priority
Partners, Front Row Preferred, Exclusa, Summit V.I.P., Head of the
Line, A-List Connections, Imperial Privilege, InCrOwD, Icarus Prime
Choice, Top Rank Silk, and Top Rank Crystal Reserve. You may now board
the aircraft.
We appreciate your patience. We now welcome members
of Focus^One, Altius PremierPlan, Silver Platter, Jet Pack Invicta,
Above and Beyond, Screaming Eagle, Canadians of Distinction, e-Go Trip,
Express Wishes, Superba/FasTTraKK, Freedom Rider Élite, ¡Por Supuesto!,
The Circle of Enchantment, Hegira, Hegira Mach Five, Wanderlu$t,
Godhead Supreme, Godhead Burnt Offerings, Qomfort Qlub, MeFirst,
MeFirst Deluxe Rewards, Out of My Way, and VelourPass. You may now
board the aircraft.
The rest of you? Beat it.
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